On Librarians Secret Weaknesses
by QueenOfThePolarBears
Summary: Bartimaeus is pretty sure that Honorius the librarian is a zombie. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. So he puts together a special team to take him out. Second year drabble based off of my other work, Bartimaeus and the Something of Something. Also a late birthday present for JTJonah.


"You know, I don't think that Honorius is actually alive," I told Queezle at lunch, doing my best to avoid whatever icky green things she had dropped on my plate in favor of talking.1 She turned to give me a disbelieving look.

"If he's not alive, then how come he can talk and walk around? I've seen dead people on House before Bart, and none of them walk around. The only dead people around here are the ghosts. Also I can see you trying to avoid your vegetables," she said pointedly, before going back to her book.

"Oh come on Queezle," I whined, trying to get her attention again.

"I shouldn't have to tell you this. We have history after lunch, and Tchue won't let you sleep in class." Well, that was that. I waited until we were in the library after classes before I brought the topic up again.

"Just look at him Queezle!" I hissed as we walked through the history section. "He's too skinny and bony! He looks like a skeleton! He's obviously not alive! But you can't stick a hand through him so he's not a ghost..." I tried to think of what other dead yet alive things Honorius could be, as Queezle huffed and pushed me out of her way, pulling a book off the shelf.

"Well maybe he's a zombie then." She muttered as she flipped through the book. I grinned and snapped my fingers.

"That's it! You're a genius! He's a zombie! Now, how do you get rid of zombies...?" I turned around, heading back to the magical beings section. Queezle smacked her forehead before hurrying after me, trying to grab ahold of my arm.

"I was joking! He's not a zombie! Dammit Bart!" She hissed as I ignored her2 and turned the corner, my fast pace leaving her behind.

"Zombies, zombies... Where would the books on zombies be...?" I muttered as I searched the shelves.

"It's probably on the bottom shelf with the other books starting with the letter 'z'." A voice with a hint of a lisp sniffed from behind me. I turned, and my grin widened.

"Faquarl! Lovely to see you! What brings you here?" I asked, snickering at the speech impediment artificially manufactured by the weird metal contraption in his mouth.3 He rolled his eyes.

"Do you not remember that I'm in your Transfiguration class and we have an essay due next Tuesday?" The Slytherin second year said. I blinked.

"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that essay."4

"Honestly Bartimaeus! Stop running off like that! You're going to end up almost knocking a shelf over again! Besides, I was _joking_! Honorius is _not_ a zombie!" Queezle said as she came up beside me, whacking the back of my head. I winced.5 Faquarl's eyes darted to her, before narrowing.

"The librarian's a zombie?" He asked. I nodded with a grin before Queezle could deny it.

"Yup! And we're gonna try to get rid of him! I'm assembling a team. Do you wanna help? You can be the tech guy! And take care of all that weird technical stuff! You're good at that, right? I'm gonna be the front man!"

"Then what am I supposed to be?" Queezle asked, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow.

"You're the grunt! _Ow!_" She hit me again. I held the back of my head, turning around with puppy dog eyes towards her. My patented look did not seem to be working its usual famed effects.6 I sighed.

"Fine, you can be my partner in crime! My second in command! But Faquarl's still going to be the tech guy, since that's his forte and all."

"What if I don't want to be the tech guy?" He said, frowning.

"Come on Faquarl! We need to fix our troubles with Honorius before he can go out into the night and eat any more innocent children with an unfortunate accumulation of late fees! You can bring Jabor, even! We need someone to be the muscle anyways. He looks the part. And acts the part too actually," I said, slinging an arm around the shorter boy. He growled and pushed it off.

"…Whatever."

"So is that a yes?" He frowned. I gave him my patented puppy dog eyes look. He furrowed his brows even more, his face turning an interesting shade of purple. That could only mean it was working.

"Fine."

"Great! We'll meet in the library Saturday after lunch! Don't be late!" I called out as he turned around quickly and left. I grinned. This was going to be fun. 

* * *

Okay, so trying to find ways to kill a zombie was easier said than done.

"Ughhhhhhhhh, we're never gonna find a way..." I groaned, letting my head drop onto one of the numerous books Faquarl and Queezle had collected on the subject. Queezle patted my head.

"Cheer up Bart. You might find something eventually. In the meantime I've gotten all of my homework for the weekend done, so at least there's that," She said in good spirit. I groaned again.

"We need someone to do all of this research and reading so I don't have to anymore." I heard Faquarl snort and turned my head to make a face at him.

"Stop being so lazy and get back to reading. You're the one who wanted to do this in the first place," he said, sniffing before burying his nose back in the dusty old tome he was looking through. I sighed, without lifting my head from the book I was currently using as a pillow. Bored, I glanced quietly around the library.

"What our team needs is a research person…someone intelligent…possibly a Ravenclaw…someone like that kid there!" I shot up from my impromptu pillow, pointing at a scrawny little first year7 with his head bent over a big even larger than the one Faquarl was holding if that was even possible. He had it lying down on one of the library tables, as he pored through studiously.

"Sit down Bart!" Queezle whispered back in a panic. "He'll notice you pointing at him! And we're in the _library_ now! More importantly, Honorius will see you!"

"He's not even here," I muttered. I got her general point though, and sat back down.8 I thought to myself quietly, trying to figure on how to go about recruiting the kid to be our research gopher.

"Bart, he's _always_ here. Remember what happened that one time with the oysters and that exchange student?9 Honorius is always. Here."

"Look, what matters is, we need to get that mini firstie on our side! We need to formulate a strategy. Faquarl, help me out here."

"Just walk up to him."

"Faquarl you're not helping."

"No really, just walk up to him."

"This isn't helping, this really isn't – hey! Queezle! What're you - "

Queezle had gotten up from the table, and walked briskly over to where the owlish Ravenclaw was sitting. He looked up, and she gave him a friendly wave.

"Hello there! My name's Queezle, and please do not ask me questions about it. Anyways, my friend there just saw you here reading that enormous book of yours. I mean, it isn't on the list of books for first years, and actually I don't think it's on anyone's list really. Pretty advanced reading, from the looks of it. Anyway, what we were all hoping for was that you could help us with a teeny, tiny little problem," she said cheerfully, somehow managing to get all this out before the kid could even get a word in edgewise. He looked over at me warily, as she pointed me out. I gave a half-hearted sheepish wave of my own.

"I don't have any money with me if that's what you want..." He started to say before she cut him off.

"Oh no, it's nothing like that at all! We don't want your money! Or at least neither me or Bart over there. I can't speak for Faquarl actually. Anyways, what we really need you for is a little research…." She trailed off, and I watched the kid intently to see his reaction. He perked up, seeming more interested now.

"Research? About what?" He asked. I grinned and walked over, as Queezle walked out to let me take over now. I proceeded then to fill him in on my theories regarding Honorius's dead or alive status as a zombie, and our various plans to take him down. He sat there staring, and nodded every so often.

Sometime later after I'd finished explaining what we had found so far, and how pitiful our research efforts as a team were, he agreed to join our group, so I grabbed his wrist with a grin and pulled him over to our table.10

"We've got us a researcher!" I crowed, pushing the kid into the empty chair before sitting back in my own, basking in the glory of knowing that I had found a crucial component of our zombie-hunting team. Faquarl snorted and shook his head.

"Bart... Do you even know his _name_?" I blinked. Oops. Awkwardly I shook my head as the kid giggled.

"My name is Ptolemy, Ptolemy Soter. Now what's this I've heard about zombie hunting?" 

* * *

The Saturday after Ptolemy joined our group was designated zombie killing day, as now it seemed that we had finally figured out a plan in terms of what was to be done about Honorius the zombie librarian, once and for all. Jabor came with us this time, as now the "muscle" or whatever is actually necessary. This would explain why we were sneaking into the library at eleven that night. Everyone at Hogwarts knew that the quickest way to get Honorius was to come into the library after the school's curfew.11

"That was my foot you just stepped on Bartimaeus!"

"Ouch!"

"Stop shoving!"

"Shut up! All of you!"

"I DON'T THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA."

"Dammit Jabor! Speak quieter!"

"Shhhhhh! Hurry up and get in there! I think Simpkin's coming!"12

After some shoving and more foot stepping and one elbow to the eye courtesy of Queezle, and the five of us had successfully snuck into the back of the library.

"Okay, so now what?" Queezle hissed, "It's your plan Bart, so what are we supposed to do?"

"Ptolemy, you have that book you found the thing in, right?" I asked him. He nodded, holding it up and opening it to a marked page.

"So we couldn't find anything about zombies, _but_ inferi sound a lot like how you guys described zombies, and the best way to get rid of them is to burn them so-"

"We're going to set Honorius on _fire?_ Bart, I'm not sure that I'm okay with this-"

"It's for the greater good Queezle! Do you want innocent little first years like Ptolemy to get eaten alive?"

"If it keeps us from committing murder then yes." Faquarl grumbled.

"Oh shush. Now let's get going." I said as we all turned to walk further into the library.

"Going _where_ exactly?" A chilling voice asked. We froze, and slowly, very slowly, the five of us turned to see Honorius standing in front of the door, holding up a single lantern, the candle flickering ominously as his glare promised painful deaths for all of us.

Silently we all turned to look at each other, before unanimously deciding that we had to get the hell out of there, preferably before our bodies were fed to the carnivorous plants in greenhouse four. Slowly we looked at Honorius again, before the deathly silence was broken by us screaming and taking off in several different directions.13

We split as quickly as we could, making use of how dark the library was, and how easily we could hide behind the floor to ceiling bookshelves. Things got chaotic from there. I know I saw Queezle and Ptolemy a few times, and literally ran into Faquarl once,14 and Honorius more times than I would have liked. Eventually though, Honorius got us cornered, right between his desk and the front entrance.

"I've got you now you filthy little brats! Uraziel is going to expel the lot of you for breaking into _my_ library at night, oh yes he is," the terrifying librarian snarled, stalking towards us, no longer holding his lantern.15 Something had to be done, and fast, before we got expelled as he was threatening, or eaten.16

I glanced over at the others as Honorius continued muttering death threats as he walked towards us ever closer. I saw Ptolemy and Faquarl share a single glance and nod, before drawing out their wands. Two inaudible spells were said, and all of a sudden the lantern that had been knocked to the floor a few feet from the desk blazed to life again. Coincidentally (or not) it caught the desk on fire and aptly drew Honorius' attention from the five of us as he started screaming at it instead, desperately attempting to draw his wand before his precious paperwork was burned to ash.

It was in that moment that Jabor seemed to have noticed an opportunity and promptly ran forward and punched him hard in the back of the head. Miraculously enough, it worked; Honorius crumpled down with a thud. Silence. We all stared. I think Jabor was more mystified than all of us that it actually worked. The fire on the desk promptly went out.

"Let's get out of here!" Faquarl hissed, and the five of us promptly ran out of there. It was only once we were several hallways away in an unused classroom that we stopped to catch our breaths.

"…You don't suppose he's…" Ptolemy hesitated.

"What?" Queezle had finally stopped panting, and turned around to look over at him.

"You know! I mean. We didn't exactly check his pulse…"

"Oh my god, Jabor you killed a man!" I said.

"NO I DIDN'T!"

"Oh, so suddenly he's not a zombie anymore?" Faquarl snapped.

"He can be both!"

"I DIDN'T KILL HIM!"

"Shut up, all of you! Jabor, we know you didn't -"

It was at that moment that all of our bickering was cut short by a haunting inhuman scream, coming conveniently from the direction the library was in. We all stopped and took it in with a pause. The screaming stopped.

"…Bartimaeus, I swear that if you ever, _ever_ try to drag me into some stupid scheme again, I am going to tie you to a chair and make you eat nothing but your least favorite vegetables for the rest of your life as you die choking on them slowly," Queezle said calmly. I gulped, and nodded as she brushed off her robes. "Now that _that_ is over with, _I _am going to bed," she said, before leaving the room with her back stiffly turned. I turned to look over at Faquarl for support; his response was to shoot me an icy withering glare.17

"Never get me or Jabor involved in another one of your dumbass plans again either." He grabbed a confused Jabor by the arm and dragged him out of the room, before he could say anything as well.

Silence.

Ptolemy tilted his head to the side and looked at me from where he had slid to the floor, leaning back against the wall.

"I dunno, I don't think it was _that_ bad. It was kind of fun actually. Aside from the near death and almost being expelled. I think I'll have to go offer to help Honorius clean up the mess tomorrow, but for now I think I need to get back to my dorm. It was nice meeting you Bartimaeus. See you around!" He straightened up and waved at me cheerfully before leaving the room too.

I left the room a few minutes later myself, sneaking back to the Hufflepuff dorm. Jabor had of course, already gotten there before me. So had Queezle; neither one of them was talking to me. I was sure I could make it up to Queezle at least tomorrow. I didn't think I'd be going to the library any time soon after that mess, but hey, we'd almost gotten rid of Honorius, zombie or not. Maybe I could recruit Ptolemy to get the books I needed out of the library for the rest of the year. That was something, at least...

I'd worry about it in the morning. 

* * *

1

I don't know why she kept trying to feed me these disgusting things. Maybe she was getting revenge for the parrot incident back in first year…

2

Which was never really a smart idea, but hey, I was on a mission now! To try and get rid of Honorius, before he could turn anyone else into a zombie, of course.

3

I think he called them "braces," whatever those are. I had tried poking them two weeks back when the school year had started and he had almost bitten my finger off. I'd heard though that the next person to try and poke at his teeth had ended up in the infirmary. Note to self: don't try to poke at Faquarl's mouth. Unless he lets me. Or if he's being really annoying.

4

I really needed to get that done. It wouldn't be good if I failed something this early in the year.

5

She can hit _hard_, okay!

6

How a twelve year old managed to look that fed up and annoyed I'd never know.

7

Or at least he was probably a first year, judging by how tiny he looked.

8

Best not to tempt fate, after all.

9

Long story.

10

Faquarl wasn't looking at us like we were crazy, I have no idea what you are talking about. Impressed, more likely, with our combined efforts. Mostly my part I suspect though. I mean I did do the physically dragging over part. Like I said, it was more likely that he was probably impressed.

11

I'm pretty sure he sleeps under his desk at the front to be honest. At least it looked the way when I snuck in during first year.

12

Simpkin being the eternally angry janitor, who enjoyed sucking the life and fun out of things, much like a dementor, supposedly, does. I wouldn't know. I've never come face to face with a dementor but if Simpkin is anything like one, then I really don't want to meet one.

13

And I did _not_ scream like a baby no matter what Queezle or Faquarl might say!

14

Those stupid metal things in his mouth got attached to my hair for a few tense minutes while Honorius stalked past the hiding place that we had quickly dove into.

15

I learned afterwards that Jabor had knocked it out of his hands after accidentally running directly into him.

16

I'm still going on with the zombie thing, as you can see here.

17

Ouch.


End file.
